The English have always loved pointy things. Early on they found that pointy things, hurled by hand, were better than rocks. When they discovered how to harness the power of the bent string, they were able to hurl the pointy things even farther and really began to kick some Continental butt. At the battle of Crecy, the English archers kept up a rate of fire of nearly sixty pointy things a minute to the French rate of ONE every TWO minutes. This was due to a Gallic chauvinism and love of complication that preferred the cross-bow - a French invention which had to be loaded with a winch - to the English longbow, which could be loaded with naked fingers. (The same factors were behind the French adoption of the Guillotine, a massive, expensive, slow-operating machine, designed to do a pretty simple job, while the English stuck to the faster, cheaper and more portable headsman's axe. Note that in thorough monarchical trials, the score was even: Louis XVI; Guillotine; one whack. Mary, Queen of Scots; Axe; one whack). But we digress .....
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It was their prowess with string-powered and other pointy things that enabled the Sassenach to keep the fierce Celtic tribes in the Northern rocky fringes of their main island of England (beyond Hadrian's Wall, where the Roman legions had earlier pushed them with their hand-held pointy things) and to overrun Eire. After destruction of the clan system and lengthy outlawry of all the most-cherished symbols of the Gaelic culture - including the wearing of kilts, tartans and the playing of the bagpipes in Scotland and the "wearing of the green" in Erin; such far-sighted measures as exporting Protestant Lowland Scot cattle thieves to the north of Ireland as an alternative to hanging (the legacy of which is the continuing sectarian strife of today); and allowing two out of four million people in Ireland to starve to death or leave in the mid-19th century; the Scots and the Irish were rendered tractable enough to be allowed to handle pointy things in the service of the King.
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After gunpowder was brought back from the East, Europeans figured out that if they exploded the substance in a tube closed at one end, they could make pointy things come out of the other end a lot faster than even the strongest strings could hurl them. (Amazingly, this rather obvious use of gunpowder had proved inscrutable to the inscrutable Orientals who had only got as far as using gunpowder to make fireworks). The "Brits" (now composed of the Sassenach and the Celt under one political system) were among the foremost gunsmiths - and the first to conduct real ballistics tests to figure out what bullets did when they hit meat and bone. Such thorough trials (on beef carcasses, we hasten to add) preceded the adoption of the big, fat, .455 caliber round for the Webley Mark VI officer's pistol, for instance. The Tommies' facility in the hurling of pointy things was exemplified by the fact that, at The Somme, they managed a rate of fire of sixty pointy things a minute from their bolt-action Lee-Enfield .303's, (ahhhh!! shades of Crecy and Agincourt) giving the Hun to believe that they were facing machine guns. And by the time that the Great War drew to a close, the Brits were able to hurl more pointy things, faster – many of which exploded – from more kinds and sizes of tubes in the air, on land and at sea than any other nation on earth.
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Twenty-one years later, of course, Round Two of the European conflict began. The problem was a chap in mainland Europe who proclaimed the pre-eminence of the Saxon peoples and who was intent on giving them a little more room to stretch out in: like, basically, the whole of Europe. These Saxons across the water showed that they had not lost their handle on the art of hurling pointy things. Indeed, they came up with the idea of equipping pointy things with their own portable power supplies, thus inventing modern rocketry. The V1 and V2 pointy things launched from Peenemunde devastated England’s capital and its industrial cities and the Saxon armies, hurling wide varieties of pointy things “on land and sea and foam” (in the words of the song), very nearly brought Britain to its knees.
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Strangely enough it was Australia – peopled in great measure by descendants of England’s outcasts, including Irish political transportees; Canada – with its overwhelmingly Scots makeup; and, most importantly, America – hugely peopled by Scots and descendants of survivors of the Great Irish Famine – who came to the rescue. After putting a decisive end to the war – by dropping a couple of really big exploding pointy things on the Nipponese – which really served them right for not having figured out gunpowder all those centuries earlier (plus, of course, Pearl Harbor, the Rape of Nanking, the murder of 8 million Chinese etc., etc.) – America remedied the astonishing lack of anything resembling “war crimes” in international law by inventing the concept and then convicting and executing the Saxon leaders on such charges. As a pragmatic nation, however, America forgave and adopted all the Saxon rocketeers and put them to work making big, pointy things with their own portable power supplies that could devastate any country on earth and even reach the stars. (This infusion of Nazi talent into the Land of the Free was clearly just in time, given that the pinnacle of achievement in American motor technology by the end of the war was the Detroit V8).
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Britain, nearly bankrupted by the war, was forced to become kinder and gentler as the years went on, since it no longer had the power to obliterate those that it disagreed with. The nadir in this decline was exemplified by the sinking of British ships in the Falklands War by FRENCH-built pointy things! Step-by-step Britain began to get out of the manufacture and export of machines which hurl pointy things. Increasingly, it even forbade its domestic population to play with any such toys. This culminated recently in a total ban on all hand-held things that go bang and hurl pointy things whatsoever. Nevertheless, as we have shown, the Brits have a lengthy tradition of hurling pointy things and this urge must, clearly, have an outlet. Which brings us to the point. It is this urge, that has no other practical outlet, that is, we believe, behind the British passion for playing Darts.
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